I seem to have fallen prey to a little something known in the industry as “scope creep”. You know, when someone asks you to proofread a short document and suddenly it’s midnight and you’re doing the cancan on a table in Tijuana with Carlos? Oh wait…different story.
When I initially “closed my purse” the rules were quite clear. Aside from food, skin care and medical care, NOTHING else was in scope. Well…I’ve sort of been gently nudging the goalposts a little as I struggled to stick to this and came up against obstacles I hadn’t expected, and now I’ve moved them so far that it’s just not cricket anymore. Oh wait…different game.
So here, I would like to renew my vows. There’s a post coming later this week about what exactly I’ve been naughty with, and how even though I have been naughty, I’m still making better choices. But for now, here are my vows. Again.
I swear to keep my purse closed in good times and in bad, through Black Fridays and Cyber Mondays, in the face of huge discounts, cool products and upcoming events where I don’t have a single thing to wear. I promise to keep it closed in summer and in winter, spring and autum, until next August do us part. I remember the reasons why I started this (which are written here if you dropped the ball on that), and I commit to them again.
I owe this to myself and I want to do it. Now, and…until next August as I said.
And please, please for the love of god stop drooling on the pillows while wearing fake tan. Oh wait…different vows.
I think it’s clear to everyone now that I am no Hedvig Opshaugh. I like what I like when it comes to fashion. And I am confused by what I am confused by. The new Alexander Wang x H&M collection being a case in point.
Firstly, this philistine had no idea who Alexander Wang was, and had to google whether he was related to Vera (he’s not), whose name I learned when she dressed a thousand celebrity weddings. Now that’s a quick turnaround business. Secondly the word Wang makes me giggle.
Thirdly…what? This collection melted the H&M website today and is almost all sold out. I literally can’t even….
Let’s have a look. And please, by all means interrupt me if you can explain.
Ok, where is the girl on the left going? a) Boxing b) Scuba diving c) The opera? She’s dressed head to toe in wetsuit material and all I can say is I hope she doesn’t have to pee in a hurry.
And girl on the right. What’s she smuggling under that hat? Whatever it is, I’m sure she’s going to need it for her impending basketball game. She’s dressed for both snow and searing heat, which further confuses me. But then I have seen some things on a Saturday night in King’s Cross that make me pretty immune to incredulity.
The one on the left needs no explanation. This is clearly Pussy Galore, papped unawares while stepping out of a fighter jet wearing pilot goggles and a killer bra. I can see me wearing this to the office for a particularly important meeting.
And don’t even get me started on Miss Shoulderbones 2014. With her scorpion tail braid and her Wang gloves, she’s clearly just won the game. I don’t know. Is that even a sporting thing she has in her hands? Or is it something she stole from Jason?
After her audition to be a scarecrow went awry, she donned the warpaint, grabbed a football helmet and showed them all she had what it takes.
On the right…I literally don’t even know how a person would get that dress on. I think she was born in it. I’m frightened of what she’s doing with that stick though.
When Pokahontis joined the hockey team, she hadn’t expected she would need to wear her tracking collar. But whatever, just look at her. She was born ready.
Now, I have seen some football in my life, but I have never seen a team come out in something like this: A chastity belt, Kanye glasses and quilted leather pants. Or have I missed some games? I’ve also never seen hair defy gravity this way, but that’s just me. She simply looks uncomfortable. But hey, it’s fashion!
I just wanted to post these pics to show how good I was when one of my besties took me shopping for something she needed. (That’s the culprit there. Top photo, left, gorgeous hair, arm in sling).
I mean, would you look at this stuff? I want it all!
But my purse remained closed and I am quite proud of myself for that.
That is all. As you were.
Today was not what would be classed as “a great day.”
I freely admit to being somewhat premenstrual (TMI, sorry), but I got up early to get in to work early. The trains were all delayed and I ended up arriving close to normal time. Then I had to hurry off early for a nail appointment. I am away at a company workshop next week, and feel I need to look a certain part. When I got to the salon, they told me I should have forewarned them that I had nail polish that needed removing. They apparently allow an extra 10 minutes for this, but it was ok because today they had time.
45 minutes later I was getting dangerously close to missing my crossfit class, and there was apparently still 10 minutes to wait because someone else was at the lone nail station. I mean really? It’s a nail salon! I decided I couldn’t wait, but they told me I had to pay for the removal and tidy up they’d already done. Great.
Except I had no cash and they didn’t accept card. A trip to the bank later (and WHY are there so few of those fuckers in Munich?) I would not have made class. And my nails looked horrible. So I stopped by a tiny salon on the way home that could fit me in on the spot. That should have been a clue, but I was desperate.
I’ve ended up with clumpy polish and ragged cuticles, and I’m pretty sure my colour is embedded with nail dust from a thousand other customers. But whatever. Of course, the trains were also delayed on the way home. So I’ve finally arrived and poured myself a whiskey. I deserve it.
It made me think about some things. I have lots of goals in this life, and I think that’s a good thing. I don’t think you should stop expecting more of yourself until you die. But where it’s bad, is when it stops me from thinking I am good enough now.
I catch myself thinking: I’ll be proud of myself when I have x in the bank, when I do y for a job, when my closet looks like this, when I’ve lost z kilos, when I can run so far, when I own paintings by Martine Emdur, or Beth Hoeckel, or Yago Hortal. When my home looks a certain way or my hair is a certain length. When I’ve had my eyes lasered, when I can ride a motorbike and grow plants from seed.
This sometimes stops me from realising that I have a lot right now. I am happy, healthy and whole with great friends and an amazing family. I’m funny, I am fun to be around and losing weight would be nice but I am in the healthy range now. I have all my teeth, all my hair and all my faculties. And I’ve achieved a lot too. I’ve lived in lots of different countries, I get to write for a living, I’m good at my job.
Whenever I see someone who struggles to walk properly, or has a terminal illness, or can’t find work, or even know someone who finds it difficult to make friends, it makes me realise I am being a giant douche.
Yes, I am a work in progress. But I am also perfect now.