Things I definitely would not spend money on: Part 1

I think it’s clear to everyone now that I am no Hedvig Opshaugh. I like what I like when it comes to fashion. And I am confused by what I am confused by. The new Alexander Wang x H&M collection being a case in point.

Firstly, this philistine had no idea who Alexander Wang was, and had to google whether he was related to Vera (he’s not), whose name I learned when she dressed a thousand celebrity weddings. Now that’s a quick turnaround business. Secondly the word Wang makes me giggle.

Thirdly…what? This collection melted the H&M website today and is almost all sold out. I literally can’t even….

Let’s have a look. And please, by all means interrupt me if you can explain.

Sorry, I can’t hear you from under my hat.

Ok, where is the girl on the left going? a) Boxing b) Scuba diving c) The opera? She’s dressed head to toe in wetsuit material and all I can say is I hope she doesn’t have to pee in a hurry.

And girl on the right. What’s she smuggling under that hat? Whatever it is, I’m sure she’s going to need it for her impending basketball game. She’s dressed for both snow and searing heat, which further confuses me. But then I have seen some things on a Saturday night in King’s Cross that make me pretty immune to incredulity.

Tennis, anyone?

The one on the left needs no explanation. This is clearly Pussy Galore, papped unawares while stepping out of a fighter jet wearing pilot goggles and a killer bra. I can see me wearing this to the office for a particularly important meeting.

And don’t even get me started on Miss Shoulderbones 2014. With her scorpion tail braid and her Wang gloves, she’s clearly just won the game. I don’t know. Is that even a sporting thing she has in her hands? Or is it something she stole from Jason?

I’m a little teapot

After her audition to be a scarecrow went awry, she donned the warpaint, grabbed a football helmet and showed them all she had what it takes.

On the right…I literally don’t even know how a person would get that dress on. I think she was born in it. I’m frightened of what she’s doing with that stick though.

When Pokahontis joined the hockey team, she hadn’t expected she would need to wear her tracking collar. But whatever, just look at her. She was born ready.

Now, I have seen some football in my life, but I have never seen a team come out in something like this: A chastity belt, Kanye glasses and quilted leather pants. Or have I missed some games? I’ve also never seen hair defy gravity this way, but that’s just me. She simply looks uncomfortable. But hey, it’s fashion!