My thought for the day – brought on by a bad one
Today was not what would be classed as “a great day.”
I freely admit to being somewhat premenstrual (TMI, sorry), but I got up early to get in to work early. The trains were all delayed and I ended up arriving close to normal time. Then I had to hurry off early for a nail appointment. I am away at a company workshop next week, and feel I need to look a certain part. When I got to the salon, they told me I should have forewarned them that I had nail polish that needed removing. They apparently allow an extra 10 minutes for this, but it was ok because today they had time.
45 minutes later I was getting dangerously close to missing my crossfit class, and there was apparently still 10 minutes to wait because someone else was at the lone nail station. I mean really? It’s a nail salon! I decided I couldn’t wait, but they told me I had to pay for the removal and tidy up they’d already done. Great.
Except I had no cash and they didn’t accept card. A trip to the bank later (and WHY are there so few of those fuckers in Munich?) I would not have made class. And my nails looked horrible. So I stopped by a tiny salon on the way home that could fit me in on the spot. That should have been a clue, but I was desperate.
I’ve ended up with clumpy polish and ragged cuticles, and I’m pretty sure my colour is embedded with nail dust from a thousand other customers. But whatever. Of course, the trains were also delayed on the way home. So I’ve finally arrived and poured myself a whiskey. I deserve it.
It made me think about some things. I have lots of goals in this life, and I think that’s a good thing. I don’t think you should stop expecting more of yourself until you die. But where it’s bad, is when it stops me from thinking I am good enough now.
I catch myself thinking: I’ll be proud of myself when I have x in the bank, when I do y for a job, when my closet looks like this, when I’ve lost z kilos, when I can run so far, when I own paintings by Martine Emdur, or Beth Hoeckel, or Yago Hortal. When my home looks a certain way or my hair is a certain length. When I’ve had my eyes lasered, when I can ride a motorbike and grow plants from seed.
This sometimes stops me from realising that I have a lot right now. I am happy, healthy and whole with great friends and an amazing family. I’m funny, I am fun to be around and losing weight would be nice but I am in the healthy range now. I have all my teeth, all my hair and all my faculties. And I’ve achieved a lot too. I’ve lived in lots of different countries, I get to write for a living, I’m good at my job.
Whenever I see someone who struggles to walk properly, or has a terminal illness, or can’t find work, or even know someone who finds it difficult to make friends, it makes me realise I am being a giant douche.
Yes, I am a work in progress. But I am also perfect now.